[The pathology instructor greets the incoming medical students. 
Black Stetson, dark sunglasses, black muscle shirt, black jeans,
black boots, black electric guitar.  Without introducing himself,
he plays the tune-and-chords to "Home on the Range", then strums
and sings, asking them to join in on the chorus.  A few of them 
actually do so.  Then, still strumming and alternating among G 
major and its dozen-or-so close family members, he begins the 
interactive portion....] 
 
Hello, Buckaroos.  I'm here to tell you how to stay out of 
trouble.  The next four years are gonna be a long, hard ride, but
listen to Kansas City Ed, and most of you'll stay in the saddle. 
What's a cowboy's life like?  Now, when you're a cowboy, you've 
gotta live the life.  And it ain't for sissies or crybabies.  
Likewise, when you're a doctor, you're a doctor first, and a 
family person, a sectarian, an identity group member, or whatever
else, second.  Oh, you can still have those other good things, 
but remember, a doctor's responsible for people's lives, and 
that's even more important than driving cattle.  So forget about
that well-rounded, balanced life.  A doctor has to focus and 
accept a limited lifestyle, just like a cowboy.  What does a 
cowboy need most?  Now, I know that none of you would go on a big
cattle drive without bringing your lasso, and your saddle, and 
your spurs, and all the other equipment you need.  And none of 
you should go to a lecture without previewing the material.  If 
you don't know enough about a subject already, lectures are a 
pretty poor way to learn.  When you're reading, be sure you look
up every unfamiliar word, then and there.  And always try to 
understand the "why"'s -- it's the only way you can learn.  How 
do you become a cowboy?  Now, you also know you can't become a 
real cowboy by reading books or sitting in a lecture, though 
these may help.  Find some way to learn actively, to turn study 
into a game, and you'll catch on.  Now, you also know that the 
most important equipment that a cowpoke has is himself or 
herself.  So take care of your own self.  Watch out for the 
firewater, and the other strange stuff.  Avoid benzodiazepines 
and muscle relaxants, they poison memory.  If you're got a 
thyroid problem or lupus or iron deficiency or are depressed or 
have sleep apnea or a dependency, get it diagnosed and taken care
of now.  What do cowboys like to do for fun?  Find yourself 
something you really like doing, and some quality sidekicks to do
it with, and that'll keep you sane and pleasant to ride the 
trails with.  And you know a cowboy can't stay in the saddle if 
he doesn't get enough sleep, even during exam week.  You gotta 
take care of your brain like you'd take care of your boots.  Now,
around here, the administrators are surprisingly enlightened.  
Don't elect a class officer who's a rattlesnake, or everybody 
will be sorry.  What does a cowboy keep quiet about?  Real 
cowboys don't talk about their toilet habits much with one 
another, and there's no more reason for you to talk about grades. 
Speaking of toilet habits, if you've got some grievance against 
some minority group, or against the majority culture, keep it to
yourself while you're at school.  And if one of you buckaroos 
decides to play politics by saying somebody else is a malicious 
bigot, you'd better be right.  Otherwise, you've alienated the 
whole campus, permanently.  Now, in medicine, communication is as
important as knowledge.  How does a cowboy talk?  What would you
think of a cowboy who couldn't say "Yippie ki yi yo?"  Okay, how
much confidence will patients have in a medical student who
didn't care enough to become perfectly fluent in English?  Enough
said?

So ride the trail with me, Buckaroos, and remember, we're
pardners now.

[It ends with a fortissimo reprise of "Home on the Range".]